I gave up my mobile to show my teenage daughters it was possible – the results were disastrous

A volley of pinging WhatsApp texts interrupts my lunchtime dog walk. “Draconian, punitive measures!”, says one. “Well, it’s true smartphones are detrimental to mental health,” says another. The unofficial “Parents of Year 8” group chat for my daughters’ school is going bonkers, prompted by the school proposing a new stricter phone policy – dumbphones only until Year 10.  

Since Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation was published in March it has gone… well, viral. Haidt’s clarion-call for parents to encourage an explorative play-based, rather than phone-based, childhood to avoid producing lonely, anxious generations, like Gen Z, strikes a chord. His ‘great rewiring of childhood’ hypothesis blames the 2010-2015 shift of American teens’ social lives largely over to smartphones with constant access to internet-based apps “for the tidal wave of adolescent mental illness that began in the early 2010s”.

Most parents on the WhatsApp group applaud the school’s new policy. My youngest daughter Georgia, 13, says it’s stupid. “There’s already a school smartphone ban so what difference will it make?” I explain that it’s about children not having smartphones at all – at home or school. Haidt recommends no smartphones or social media until 14 and 16, respectively. “Smartphones aren’t all bad,” she counters, “they have bus apps and MyLocation, which makes me feel secure.” 

“Anyway, who bought me my smartphone?” Georgia quips, adding, “Anyone knows, just ask Ava (her 17-year-old sister studying A level psychology), children just follow their parents’ behaviour.” Touché. According to a recent US study by Dr Jason Nagata, published in Pediatric Research, the children of parents who spend a lot of time on their own phones are found to spend 40 minutes more on their phones. Screens present at meals and in the bedroom were also a negative contributory factor. 

“Right, that’s it,” I declare at dinner, “we’re going to go phone-free for a week – a smartphone detox.” Ava says, “No way! What if I need to go out at the weekend, pay for stuff, take photos, get a bus! How will I tell you when I am coming home?” “That’s easy, we set a curfew time and you respect it,” I say, thinking how this could be a lot less painful than the current 2am digital negotiations. “Be real!” she retorts, followed by an acronym too rude to translate. 

How about just cutting out social media, I ask? Snapchat is essential according to Georgia, being teenagers’ main source of communication. What about the insidious time-sapper TikTok? “Hmmm, I would miss that”, says Ava. “TikTok is entertainment,” she explains. It seems I’ll be flying solo for this experiment.

Day one. Like a heroin addict, I start “jonesing” on waking but it’s my phone I’m craving. One of the first things I usually do after scanning the news headlines is check WhatsApp, Insta and then emails. This morning, my partner Damon has my phone and alerts me to a new text message – I access this via my laptop, which feels a bit cheaty. 

There are more inconveniences to come. Day two I have to print out tickets for a theatre trip, borrow Damon’s phone to take pics at a family party and access my bank and WhatsApp via my laptop. Have I banished my phone only to replace it with an antisocial laptop? I get stuck on it messaging my mum and Ava about travel logistics and realise an entire hour has passed. I snap it shut.

Day three, I’m feeling pretty good about the conscious uncoupling of myself and my phone. But as I head out with the dog, smartphone-free, I’m bereft that I can’t listen to Radio 4. “Oh no, what will you do?” ribs Damon. “Enjoy birdsong and the wonders of nature,” I reply. Only last week I’d photographed our local heron and stuck it on Insta stories. “Live for the moment”, I tell myself. You don’t have to constantly advertise your life.

Being alone with my thoughts is fine, although lately there’s been plenty to worry about, not least my younger daughter’s mental health following a six-month campaign of bullying which culminated in an abusive hate video sent via Snapchat from a group of girls she barely knew. I pointed out to her that this wouldn’t have been possible without social media. Georgia applies the skewed logic of a digital native: “Oh no, it’s better as I had the evidence and we could do something about it,” she says brightly.

I seek advice on how to moderate smartphone use as a family. Sonia Livingstone, a professor of social pyschology, the director of Digital Futures for Children and the author of Parenting for a Digital Future, holds a more pragmatic, positive view than Haidt, calling for Big Tech regulation and education rather than knee-jerk bans. Don’t set unrealistic rules, she advises: “Teenagers really feel the hypocrisy of being given a rule that their own parents don’t follow. Instead, ask what are your goals? What do you value?”

I definitely value friendship. Particularly since both daughters have experienced bouts of social exclusion. I start thinking about what our other family values are, but then Prof Livingstone says something that really hits home. “Think less about the amount of time spent online and more about how you can best protect your child from risk and develop their resilience, as one day they’re going to have to protect themselves,” she advises. “It’s about what you can do to make sure that when something bad happens online, they tell you. It’s about ensuring they have the confidence that you won’t panic, flip out and remove the phone.” 

I realise that’s the most important thing to me as a parent, mutual trust and an open dialogue with my children. This means being wholly present. Georgia confided in me about the bullying and we blocked all perpetrators from her accounts. What’s the best way we can raise discerning, enlightened users? Definitely through conversation and healthier digital habits.

But I am keen to be a better role model. Instead of couch suppers, I’ve increased family meals around the table. According to research, this reduces the potential for mental illness. I stow my phone in a kitchen drawer when home, so it’s out of sight. We set social media time limits for Georgia and myself, an hour per day. By day three it was having an effect, Georgia announced she’d only notched up 45 minutes screen time that day. She’s yet to feel happier – that’s about her forging new friendships – but we do more things together when home, in addition to the extra-curricular activities she’s always done.  

Over the past few days I’ve devoured books like I’m poolside on holiday. Meanwhile, Ava’s phone remains virtually glued to her hand. Diagnosed with ADHD, I fear it’s a vicious circle for my eldest daughter, exacerbating the condition and reducing her capacity to focus even further. Haidt cites a Dutch longitudinal study of young people with ADHD that suggests this may be the case. Could Ava’s smartphone be a causal factor? And yet, she has a very active IRL social life and is coping well with A-Levels. We’ve work to do, but I’ve learnt this week that’s down to all of us. 

Top tips to get your children off their phones

• “Create a family phone drawer to stow phones at certain times. Even having your phone in eyesight fragments your attention and ability to think,” says Daisy Greenwell, co-founder of Smartphone Free Childhood.
• “Establish family rules together that make sense for the digital world. Children are looking for flexibility that reflects what they’re trying to do and they want to be trusted to make the judgement,” says Prof Livingstone.
• Put a hairband around the phone. “It allows voice calls but restricts swiping and texting. It’s a visual, physical reminder: do I really need to do this?,” says Greenwell.
• “Switch to grayscale, turn off notifications, go utility-first with apps filed away, archive non-essential WhatsApp groups. Set up a VIP list to allow notifications from work or your partner; and take back control,” Greenwell advises.
• “Put your family goals first, and work back from there. Screen time matters mainly when it’s excessive,” says Prof Livingstone.