Lying in bed, I silently curse myself for not buying a fan this summer.
My boyfriend, sound asleep next to me, has no idea how irritated I am by his presence.
He’s the human equivalent of a radiator set to max – I can feel the heat rising from his body. When he suddenly shifts positions, causing his sticky bum to slide across mine, I decide I’ve had enough.
Grabbing my pillow and phone, I head for the guest room. It’s cool and quiet, and I feel pure joy.
I struggle with insomnia at the best of times but this week’s heat wave has really tested my patience.
The rising temperature has definitely made bedtime more stressful – but this isn’t actually the first time my boyfriend, Alex, and I have slept in separate rooms.
We do it quite often: A fact that is often met with confusion by other couples, who say it could have dire consequences for our relationship – including our sex life.
About a year ago, I might’ve agreed with them.
But I’ve been surprised to discover that sleeping apart can actually improve the sex you have.
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Before you make your own mind up, hear me out.
Alex and I had just started dating when I was going through a particularly bad bout of insomnia.
Any sound or movement would wake me up, including his gentle snores and loving cuddles.
My bedroom, which I have purposefully designed as a calm space with white walls, wild plants, and comfy sheets, felt like a prison.
Things went from bad to worse when my sex drive took a dip. I began to feel anxious whenever nighttime came around and also felt guilty, because Alex loved having me close.
I kept thinking: ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’
Well, firstly, there are a few things you should know.
Before I met my current partner, I was single for seven years. I like my independence and I value my sleep even more.
I also have certain routines, like playing a sitcom in the background or listening to rain sounds, which I don’t always feel comfortable doing when someone else is trying to doze off with me.
When I started to rationalise my emotions in this way, I realised there wasn’t anything wrong with me at all – it made complete sense that I needed space sometimes.
Alex wasn’t so easily convinced.
The first time I kicked him out of bed, I did so out of frustration. It was 2am when I rolled over and promptly told him to ‘get out’.
I’m not proud of it but I’ve since apologised for the rather rude awakening.
Not long after, we had a proper chat and Alex expressed his concerns – but agreed to give it a try.
We decided on two simple rules: I was allowed to leave the bed or ask him to leave (if he had not fallen asleep) on weekdays but on weekends we would attempt to sleep in the same bed.
It was a fair compromise.
Almost immediately, my body and mind began to relax. Being given ‘permission’ to extract myself from a stressful situation was all I needed.
Our sexual activities soon ramped up, too.
We began sneaking into the other’s bed in the morning for a fondle or a quickie. Now well-rested, I was more in tune with his and my needs.
Alex is also a big fan of morning sex (which I am not) but after a good night’s sleep, I appreciated his touches more.
This wasn’t just about getting laid or chasing an orgasm. Sometimes, I would slide under the sheets just to feel his naked body against mine before getting up for work.
Gradually, our concerns for how this new set-up might affect our relationship went away.
Sleeping apart made us hungrier for each other – we appreciated the intimacy more, not less.
I understand that this set-up isn’t for everyone but I’m certainly not the only one who enjoys it.
Taking to Twitter to share my woes and ask if my habits are ‘weird’, several people chimed in.
One woman said she and her partner have bought a California king size bed because they ‘do not touch each other at all while sleeping’.
Another said sleeping in separate rooms when it’s hot helped ‘maintain harmony’ in her relationship.
Not convinced yet? Science is on my side, too.
In one study, a third of British couples said they had a better sex life after deciding to get a ‘sleep divorce’.
All of that said, every person is unique.
I strongly believe that, when it comes to our sex lives, we should follow our instincts – not the crowd.
There is often shame attached to doing things out of the norm but try not to worry about what other people are up to.
They are not in that room with you.
If separate beds give you peace of mind, then so be it. If you want to curl up to your other half and lie in a sweaty heap together, do it.
I must acknowledge that I am in a privileged position because I have a guest room (I’m not rich, I just lucked out in having the world’s best landlord).
If you don’t have the space to sleep apart or can’t afford a larger mattress, then it’s obviously a trickier situation.
And, ultimately, I’ve found that honesty is half the battle.
If you share how you feel with your lover – whether that be a casual shag or long-term partner – you’re on the right track. Work together to find a good solution.
As for myself and Alex, we are still figuring things out as we go along. It’s not a perfect system.
All I know is that, this weekend, I am getting a really strong fan.
I’ll tackle the rest as it comes.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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