Santa Quotes

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
― George Carlin

“I do not pretend to be able to prove that there is no God. I equally cannot prove that Satan is a fiction. The Christian god may exist; so may the gods of Olympus, or of ancient Egypt, or of Babylon. But no one of these hypotheses is more probable than any other: they lie outside the region of even probable knowledge, and therefore there is no reason to consider any of them.”
― Bertrand Russell , Why I Am Not a Christian and Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects

“Muggles have garden gnomes, too, you know," Harry told Ron as they crossed the lawn.

"Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes," said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, "like fat little Santa Clauses with fishing rods...”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.”
― Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

“It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities. The theologians, taking one with another, are adept logicians, but every now and then they have to resort to sophistries so obvious that their whole case takes on an air of the ridiculous. Even the most logical religion starts out with patently false assumptions. It is often argued in support of this or that one that men are so devoted to it that they are willing to die for it. That, of course, is as silly as the Santa Claus proof. Other men are just as devoted to manifestly false religions, and just as willing to die for them. Every theologian spends a large part of his time and energy trying to prove that religions for which multitudes of honest men have fought and died are false, wicked, and against God.”
― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report

“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”
― Jeff Kinney, Cabin Fever

“God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is 'sposed to be a happy time.”
― Bil Keane, Jeffy's Lookin' at Me

“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”
― Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

“He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don't want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.”
― Augusten Burroughs

“Beginning with Santa Claus as a cognitive exercise, a child is encouraged to share the same idea of reality as his peers. Even if that reality is patently invented and ludicrous, belief is encouraged with gifts that support and promote the common cultural lies.

The greatest consensus in modern society is our traffic systems. The way a flood of strangers can interact, sharing a path, almost all of them traveling without incident. It only takes one dissenting driver to create anarchy.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey

“Kids believe in Santa; adults believe in childhood.”
― Cate Kennedy, Dark Roots

“You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”
― Craig Ferguson

“Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them are red, both of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to children and both of them are kings of an ungodly underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.”
― Sam Logan

“Once upon a time, the Reindeer took a running leap and jumped over the Northern Lights.

But he jumped too low, and the long fur of his beautiful flowing tail got singed by the rainbow fires of the aurora.

To this day the reindeer has no tail to speak of. But he is too busy pulling the Important Sleigh to notice what is lost. And he certainly doesn’t complain.

What's your excuse?”
― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

“It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!”
― J.B. Stanley, Chili Con Corpses

“Like kids who only ever get socks for Christmas, but still believe with all their hearts in Santa.”
― Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

“There is something about Christmas that requires a rug rat. Little kids make Christmas fun. I wonder if could rent one for the holidays. When I was tiny we would by a real tree and stay up late drinking hot chocolate and finding just the right place for the special decorations. It seems like my parents gave up the magic when I figured out the Santa lie. Maybe I shouldn't have told them I knew where the presents really came from. It broke their hearts.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

“A few moments later Mom opened my door and peered in at me. "Logan Hansen is here to see you."
If it had been anyone else in the world, I would have told my mother to send him away. Santa Claus himself could have shown up to explain his whereabouts since my childhood, and I would have turned him out.”
― Janette Rallison, All's Fair in Love, War, and High School

“The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he’d promised her, making the father angry?” (p.3)”
― Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

“Isn’t Santa just a stand in for the society that has locked them up for formative years? Something that watches and judges, telling them that they got what they deserved based on their behavior? Surely they have to have noticed that Saint Nick, like the judicial system itself, tends to look more favorably upon rich children. He is fat, white, past middle age, and holds all the cards.”
― Thomm Quackenbush, A Creature Was Stirring

“An event without an Usher is like a Christmas without Santa.”
― Utibe Samuel Mbom, The Event Usher’s Handbook

“Meet Me In Toyland by Stewart Stafford

Santa handed me the keys to Toyland,
And, placing them squarely in the palm of my hand,
He bid me go and have lots of fun,
With all kinds of everyone.

I skipped across the gingerbread bridge,
Yuletide coffee flowing down from the ridge,
To a Christmas tree consisting of mint,
Lit all around by falling star glint.

At the frosting gates of Castle St Nicholas,
Silver snake tinsel began to hiss,
As polar bears to a clockwork orchestra danced,
With elves as their partners gleefully entranced.

Multitudes of children whooped and cheered,
Forgetting all their doubts and fears,
Celebrating their gifts of toys,
With every kind of girl and boy.

Alas, our midwinter joy came to an end,
And I tearfully bid adieu to all my new friends,
And took a shooting star comet home,
Across the Northern Lights in the sky’s dome.

© Stewart Stafford, 2021. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“I don't have much practice sitting in men's laps ... outside mall Santas when I was a little girl.”
― Valentine Glass, The Temptation of Eden

“Sadly, after a certain age, no intelligent child continues believing in their parents, and it is embarrassing when one professes such faith after puberty. Santa Claus, however, will never fail us”
― Catherynne M. Valente, The Best of Catherynne M. Valente, Volume One

“Do you believe in the magic of Santa and Christmas, or don't you?

Those are two different things, Valerie said.

Yes. They are. And at the same time, they aren't. You can believe in one and not the other, sure, but they take the same amount of belief.”
― Chloe Garner, The Santa Legion

“but is it santa
or jesus looking down
on a scarred
burned
earth?”
― Ben Ditmars, Fragments: Haiku and Verse of Seasons

“AT&T was on ‘Santa’s 2020 Naughty List’.”
― Steven Magee

“There's an honesty and simplicity to Santa. He'd go down your chimney, but only with enthusiastic consent.”
― Deirdre Sullivan, Precious Catastrophe

“If Pitt tells you there's a Santa Claus, hang your stocking on the mantel, because you better believe it.”
― Clive Cussler, Vixen 03