Cheap Seats

Cheap Seats (2004–2007) was a television program broadcast on ESPN Classic hosted by The Sklar Brothers, Randy and Jason. The brothers appear as fictional ESPN archivists who amuse themselves by watching old, campy sports broadcasts and wisecracking about them.

Season 1

1997 Spelling Bee [1.5]

Spelling Bee: It's okay, kid. Spelling bee says, not everyone can win. Someone has got to lose, and that someone just happens to be you.

Superdogs! Superjocks [1.7]

Jason: By the laws of the label super, these dogs should all have one fatal weakness.

Randy: For Superman it was Kryptonite.

Jason: For the Supersonics it was Vin Baker.

Randy: For the Superfreak it was crack cocaine.

Jason: And for these superdogs, it may just be their superjock counterparts.

---

Jason: Ok who calls great athletes, superjocks?

Randy: Super dorks.

---

Randy: (Talking About Mike Conley) Why's he so mad? 'You cannot bring that camera on my lawn! Uh-uh.'

---

Jason: (Talking About Bill Johnson) Me, a Superjock?

---

Barry Tompkins: You know Willie what strikes me is there's a derogatory term that we sometimes use in regards to athletes...

Jason: Please don't.

Barry Tompkins: ...they got a little dog in 'em.

Jason: Ah you did.

Randy: Ahhh.

---

Willie Gault: If they would compete in the Olympics, maybe they would win gold medals too.

Jason: But dogs can never compete in the Olympics because they're dogs.

---

Randy: Well at least this event isn't biased in favor of Lundquist, an Olympic swimmer. [during a swimming contest in which Lundquist is the only pro swimmer in]

---

Randy: [cracking up while seeing a fat woman bent over] Baby got... Baby got back.
Jason: And lots of it.

---

Randy: "He's dragging the dog. Who the hell is this guy, Ike Turner?

---

Randy: Uh that's not a word-a-ly.
Jason: Uh actually Ran, it is.

---

Jason: Alright settle down lady; it's not the NBA Finals.

Randy: Is this crowd even in the same place as this event?

Jason: Are they even in the same season as this event?

Randy: Yeah it's like late Fall in the stands.

---

Annoucer: Everyone loves watching Superdogs! Superjocks! right?

Girls: No!

Annoucer: Well now you can play it anytime you want. It's the Superdogs! Superjocks! Home Game.

Girl 2: Awesome.

Annoucer: You can choose to be your favorite Superjock.

Girl 2: I don't want to be Steve Lundquist.

Girl 3: I don't want to be Steve Lundquist either.

Annoucer: Kids, no one wants to be Steve Lundquist, not even Steve Lundquist. That's why every game comes with an extra Mike Conley, in his swimming attire.

Girl 1: Wow, is that real Spandex?

Annoucer: It sure is and it smells like him too.

(Girl 1 sniffs)

Annoucer: The rules are simple. Each player is dealt five cards from the yellow deck. Then the player sitting second closest to the yellow deck rolls three dice. Move the amount of spaces equal to the side of the red die facing away from you. If the total on your next roll is less than the age of your dog in human years, times two, you earn the right to draw two happenstance cards from the Doggie Deck. Move five spots if you draw a Willie Gault card, but if your other card is a Loch Ness Boombox, it cancels your move and lets other players rub your dog's nose in it. It's that easy! Superdogs! Superjocks!: The Home Game. Guaranteed to be a whole lot of dog gone fun. Cards, dice, board sold separately, dogs not included.

---

Jason: Dog looks good.
Randy: Yeah, did he just come back from a Summer tour with The Dead?

---

Randy: "Yes he's ready, that's why he's choking himself to get going.

---

Randy: "That's not fair, he's bionic.

---

Randy: "I like how the crowd is roped off.
Jason: Yeah that's so they won't leave.

---

Jason: Ohhh, Jackie Smith of dogs.

---

Bob Sarlatte : Well you know as a former footballer myself, just in college

Jason: It wasn't a major college, D3, D4 really. Actually it was Juco. Not even it was a league. It's just a group of guys that got together. It was flag football, I was 10, 11 maybe. And it wasn't football, it was kickball. I used go with my dad. Well I went alone he dropped me off. My parents were divorced, my mom worked three jobs. I get sad when I see parents hugging their kids but enough about me, nice frisbee toss.

---

Jason: Yep she's refusing to finish the race. Who is she, Scottie Pippen's dog?

---

Jason: Awww, what a loser.

---

Jason: "There's was a love that was not allowed to florish. Society said no but their hearts said yes, tonight on The Hump.

---

Jason: Don't let him touch that, don't! He's just a baby!

---

Jason: Hey, it's the Loch Ness Boombox!

---

Superstars 1978 [1.8]

Randy: This Race is like that scene from Breaking Away.

---

'Jason: Yeah, let's hope there's not a refrigerator at the bottom of the pool.

1994 World Series of Poker [1.10]

Jason: Where's Russ' Fans?

---

Randy: I need my fan.

---

Jason: Get the man his fan.

1973 Superstars [1.20]

Jim McKay: Rounding out the field, the former heavyweight champion of the World, here is Joltin' Joe Frazier...

The Sklars: I believe it's Smokin' Joe Frazier McKay, it was Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Well he's up. Frazier, a little anxious. Joe's yellow trunks showing his first true love: swim wear fashion.

McKay: O'kay moving on the marks and this is 25 meters down and back. They will go...

Randy: DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!

1986 Roller Derby [1.24]

Ed Helms: Who are you that you are not suicidal? Because I don't like you, and how can you like yourself?

Season 2

Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting [2.2]

• Crow T. Robot: You know, this is just a great idea - a cable show where you make fun of other people's videos.
  

Tom Servo: Shameless!
Mike Nelson: It'll never last.

---

• Crow T. Robot: "These guys are Smurfs, right?"

---

• Mike Nelson: "With any luck at all, Gamera will come down and smite them both."

---

• Randy: The world's most overzealous graphics department.
• Jason: Nothing says quality sport quite like a hyphen.

Outdoor Games 2000 [2.3]

• Randy: "Remember, if it's raining outside, if you got a firearm in your hand, and diabetes is impairing your vision, for God's sake, wear a hat."

Scrabble 2003 [2.4]

• Jason and Randy: TILE PILE!

1980 MLB All-Star Game [2.9]

• Jason: "Hey everybody, welcome to Cheap Seats."
  

Randy: "A very special episode of Cheap Seats, because today the first day we have a live studio audiance.
Jason: "Twenty-five people."
Randy: "Yeah!"
(Crowd cheers)
Randy: "Now how did we pull it off you may ask inquisitively? Well it was easy we lobbied ESPN really hard for months and we finally reached a compromise.
Jason: "They said no"
Randy: "Uh huh. So we decided to go behind their backs and start diverting tour groups from ESPN down here to the library. Now we have a group here today with us."
Jason: "We have a great group with us today."
Randy: "Who is with us today?"
Jason: "We have got Doctors Without Borders.
Randy: "I love doctors with"
Jason: "They do such good work."
Woman In Audiance: "Uh excuse me. Excuse me actually we are Doctors With Borders.
Randy: "With Borders? I've heard of Doctors Without Borders."
Jason: "What is Doctors With Borders?"
Woman In Audiance: "Doctors With Borders is a group of doctors that work within the borders of gated communities. We help people that need medical care who make at least eighty thousand dollars a year."
Randy: "Well I guess maybe if we pull our salaries collectively we could be one patient"
Woman In Audiance: "I don't think so. Also could get a little more chardonnay up in here we're dying. Thank you."

---

• Randy: "You know why Willie Randoplh is such a good hitter, he always hit the ball where the sun don't shine."
  

Jason: "Or in this case onto the surface of the sun."

---

• Jason: "And to anyone who says that these players dog it at the All-Star game take a look at that throw by Parker. Almost all the way to the infield."
  

Randy: "The Cobra."

---

• Jason: "Somebody at first base is taking the game a little too seriously."

---

• Jason: "Do you hear helicopters?"
  

Randy: "Yeah the ariel shots there are courtsy of Chopper 4."
Jason: "Whose your news source?"
Randy: "Chopper 4."

---

• Jason: "Why is Welch paying so much attention to the runner? It's an All-Star game."

(Welch gets him at first)
Randy: "That's why."

---

• Randy: "Oh Willie this is almost as embarrassing as Robert Wuhl sat on Comic Relief 8."

---

• Randy: "Did Garvey have to actually smack him in the face?"
  

Jason: "Well it's Garvey, so yeah."

---

• Randy: (Doing the voice of a regular guy in the dug out) "Hey man if I wanna run out there and take my pants off you got my back right?"
  

Jason: (Doing the voice of a cop that the regular guy is talking to) "Oh no, no no you gotta stay right here."
Randy: "Why it's so boring."
Jason: "You wanna get tazed? Because I will use force If I have to."

---

• Jason: "Dodger Stadium is packed."
  

Randy: "This cannot be before the third inning."
Jason: "Or after the sixth."

---

• Randy: "There goes the bat."
  

Jason: "And there goes my eyesight."

---

• Randy: "Feel like this at bat started at last year's All-Star game."

---

• Jason: "Now baseball in the 80's is a sport that featured the greatest mascot in American sports history."
  

Randy: "Marge Schott."
Jason: "Alright the point is we felt that Cheap Seats as a sports franchise deserved its own mascot too."
Randy: "So we combed the country. Scouting Renaissance fairs, Illegal rodeos, Wal-Mart grand openings looking for every conceivable novelty creature."
Jason: "And we narrowed it down to the three finalist. Here are their auditions."
Rik Esasky: (Wearing a chicken suit) "First off I will not wear this head. I don't believe in it. I will not act like a goofy mascot."
C.C. Galleta: (Wearing a chocolate chip cookie suit) "You might have seen me in a few roles. I played a chocolate chip cookie in the How About Some Milk campaign."
Slider: (A homeless person) "To be honest man I haven't been inside of a building In about five years. I'm freaked out man."
Rik Esasky: "I will not shine a bald man's head at a baseball game."
C.C. Galleta: "I'm a gogetrahidra I can do anything. You ask me to do anything and I can do it."
Slider: " I can make a dollar last me month. A month!!"
Rik Esasky: "I will not run and dive on a rain soaked tarp."
C.C. Galleta: "I can play many different types of cookies."
Judge: "You can lose those chocolate chips if we need you to?"
C.C. Galleta: "Absolutly I can take them out I can play Pecan Sandy if that's what you want uh these are birthmarks so."
Slider: (Crying) "Ah man have you ever since a cat without it's eyeballs in it's head" (digging through a trash bag)
Judges: "No no no no!"
Slider: "You have? What's the answer?"

---

• Judge: "So what kind of talents do you bring to the table?"
  

C.C. Galleta: "Well I think the question is what talents don't I bring."
Rik Esasky: "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
Slider: "Uh I can find vitamins in cigarette butts. Alot of vitamins in that stuff yall guys don't know."
C.C. Galleta: "You know I can..Cookie Dance I don't know If you could use that on your show."
Slider: "Did you know If you're feeling emotional pain if you hurt yourself in the (beep) it stops it?"
C.C. Galleta: "Stage talking. Hello! How are you!? Please dunk me in milk."
Rik Esasky: "Where be now your jives, your gambles, your songs?"
Slider: "I can..I made these shoes..made those shoes. I made those shoes!"
Randy: "When would you do something like that?"
Rik Esasky: "Well clearly not here apparently."

---

• Randy: "Did the cookie seem racist to you?"
  

Jason: "A little bit but I feel like that's his hook."
Randy: "Just like Marge Schott."

---

• Jason: "You know I'm just surprised that the Dodger ball boy didn't go into the stands and try to swipe the ball from the guy that just caught it."

---

• Jason: (In lower voice) "Some sad news, Griffey's ten year old song Ken Jr. torn his ACL during the father-son catch prior to the game."

---

• Jason: "Tommy John? Was this pre or post bionic arm surgery?"
  

Randy: "I think it was pre."
(Tommy pitches the ball and the bionic man sound comes on)
Sklars: "Or was it!"

---

• Al Michaels: "Ken Reitz the batter."
  

Randy: "That's Detective Reitz to you Al."
Jason: "Played by a young Dennis Franz."
Randy: "Were not going to see is naked rump are we?"

---

• Jason: "Ahh Ken Reitz, what's an All-Star game without him?"
  

Randy: "Uh every other All-Star game but this one."

---

• (Reitz hits the ball)
  

Jason: "Reitz with a rope!"
(Willie Randolph gets the ball but it drops out of his glove)
Jason: "All-star."
(Second baseman throws a wild throw to first but goes past him)
Jason: "All-star."
(Catcher throws to second and Second baseman gets Reitz out)
Jason: "And all-star and the inning ends with your basic 4-3-2-6 put out."

---

• Jason: "Oh Willie Randoplh reminding us that fan voting doesn't necessarily put the best players in the All-star game."
  

Randy: "And Ken Reitz reminding us just how good Willie Randolph is."
Jason: "And Ashlee Simpson reminding us just how talented Ken Reitz was."
Randy: "And Dick Chaney reminding us just how honest Ashlee Simpson is. More Cheap Seats after this."

---

• Audience Member: "I don't care"
  

Sklars: "Whoa!"
Randy: "Whoa"
Jason: "Why don't you care?"
Audience Member: "Ah Jewish or non Jewish he's a great ball player."
(Jason whistles)
Randy: "Ok! Just got weird in here. Wow"
Jason: "Yeah because there's bigotry in here."
Randy: "I smell that. I smell that yeah."
Audience Member: "What just cause I don't care that Rod Carew is Jewish or not?"
Randy: "Yeah wow."
Jason: "Wow what are you going to tell us next that your favorite movie was American History X?"
Audience Member: "I don't know, I thought Ed Norton played a strong character."
Randy: "Ah-Ha!"
Jason: "Ah-Ha!"
Randy: "I think someone needs to go to the Museum of Tolerance."
Jason: "Right after we go back to the game."
Randy: "I need to get my hook back."
Jason: "So do I."

---

• Jason: "You guys wanna take the toothpick out of Winfield's hand and give him a real bat?"
  

(Winfeild pops it up)
Randy: "And Winfield kills another seagull."

---

• Randy: "Did the White Sox uniform come with a sport coat that year?"
  

Jason: "Yeah it was the only uniform in history that you could wear to Ruth's Chris Steak House."

---

• Keith Jackson: "But the first time he's been a leader not necessarily a follower."
  

Jason: "Not necessarly? So he's still a follower?"
Randy: "Yes he's the leading follower."
Jason: "What the fuck does that mean!"

---

• Jason: "Do you think Hernandez and Reitz have mustache contests in the Cardinal's clubhouse?"
  

Randy: " They'd be wasting their mustaches if they didn't."

---

• Al Michaels: "Ed Farmer, 6'5"."
  

Jason: "6'9" with the afro."

---

• Randy: "I bet you Hernandez gets a hit off Farmer. Who wants to bet me? Anybody?"
  

(Pete Rose comes on the screen)
Randy: "I think I just found someone."

---

• (Hernandez's hit hit's farmer on the ankle)

Jason: "Oww!!"
Randy: "Well it's a good the ball hit Farmer that way Randolph didn't have a chance to boot it."

---

• Randy: "All-Star, bases loading, Pete Rose at the plate. What are the odds?! Seriously what are the odds. Call Danny Sheridan."

(Jason gets the phone)

---

• Jason: "And sadly that at bat would cost Rose his rightful place in Cooper's Town."

---

• Randy: "Welcome back to Cheap Seats. Now you've seen the complete mascot auditions now it's time to see the shocking conclusion."
  

Jason: "A conclusion so shocking, so exciting, that we just had to show it to you."

---

• Jason: "Guys it was a tough decision but we're going to have to go with The Cookie."

(C.C. gets all gitty)
Slider: "HAAAA!"
Rik Ssasky: "You guys are wrong. You guys made a big mistake."
Slider: "Hey Hey Hey Hey. It's over."
(Slider tries to take a bite of C.C.)
C.C. Galleta: "Don't eat me. No no!
(All of them argue)
Slider: "You guys cool out we gotta find shelter!"

---

• Randy: "I think The Cookie got shanked at the end there."
  

Jason: "Again just like Marge Schott."
Randy: "Yes. Alright let's move on to the bottom of the seventh inning. National League up 3 to 2. Trying to hold to their ninth straight All-Star win."

---

• Randy: "Darrell Porter, the Willie Randolph of catchers."

---

• Randy: "Wasn't Phil Garder in Gangs Of New York?"

Jason: "Yeah, he was Bill The Butcher."

---

• Jason: "When Ray Knight starts stealing off you. You might want to consider the quick pitch."

---

• Randy: "A lot people don't know this but Phil Garner is Jennifer Garner's father."
  

Jason: "I love Alias, doesn't that show have another name?"

---

• Randy: "John Kibler is the umpire behind the plate."
  

(Pitch bounce off the catcher and hits the umpire between the legs)
Jason: "Ooooh and that one just took out the Keebler elves."
Randy: "He won't be making any Town House crackers any time soon, I can tell you that much."
Jason: "Two balls with one strike."
(Umpire wipes the plate)
(Jason in a high voice)
Jason: "I'll just wipe off the plate and... oh God, tell my wife I love her."
Randy: "You're wearing a cup, right?"
Jason: "I was but I took it off in the eighth. Boys needed some air."
Randy: "Good call."

---

• (Next pitch)
  

(Jason in high voice again)
Jason: "Oh God! Please block it! Thank you."
(Umpire throws the ball)
Jason: "Get that demon ball outta here!"

---

• Randy: "Is that a scoreboard or your typical desktop computer in 1980?"
  

(Jason in a robot voice)
Jason: "Greetings, Professor Falken. Would you like to play an All-Star game?"

---

• Randy: "Alright, before we go it's time to bring out our new Cheap Seats mascot..."
  

Jason: "Ladies and gentlemen..."
Sklars: "The Giant Cookie!!"
(C.C. comes out)
C.C.: "How bout it!" How bout it!"
(Randy hands him a gallon of milk)
Sklars: "Drink! Drink! Drink!"
C.C.: "Drink? You want me to? Ok!"
(C.C. drinks it but spits it out)
Sklars: "Owww!"
C.C.: "I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm lactose intolerant."
[pause] Randy: "That's ok!"
(Sklars cheer)
C.C.: "Seriously guys, my throat's closing up! Can't breathe! Choking on vomit!"
Randy: "He's really hurt."
[pause] Sklars: "The Cookie!!!"

(At the end it shows In Memory of C.C. Galleta "The Giant Cookie" Shelf Life: 1 Day)

1978 Superteams [2.14]

Keith Jackson: Baseball and football...

The Sklars: ...and sliding bad graphics. Perfect,

Keith Jackson: ...1978 leading the Kansas City Royals you'll see third baseman George Brett...

The Sklars: ...From a higher than usual camera angle. What's up ladies I got gum.

Jackson: Second baseman Frank White the young man who succeed in his home town...

Jason: But who failed everywhere else

Jackson: shortstop Freddie Patek...

Randy: Chicks dig the long ball unfortunately for 5'5 Freddie Patek, homey chicks will settle for a fielders choice.

Season 3

1995 Spelling Bee [3.2]

• Jason: "Today we're going to revisit one of our favorite non-sports.
  

Randy: The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee.
Jason: Where kids just get to be kids.
Jason: Who are put on a stage in front of a nationally televised audience and asked to spell words that would make a dictionary editor wet his pants.
Jason: Remember most of these kids are only 12 or 13.
Randy: And at a puberal age your number one goal is just to fit in.
Jason: Wait a minute, what was that word you just said.
Randy: Puberal
Jason: Ah what's the language of origin please?
Randy: It's Latin.
Jason: Definiation please.
Randy: Puberal. Of or relating to puberty. Puberal
Jason: Could you use it in a sentence please?
Randy: You were pretty damn ugly when you were puberal.
Jason: Yeah well you were puberally pathetic. I didn't know you were in a mariachi band.
Randy: Well I looked like you ok, so whose laughing now huh. Spell the word.
Jason: Puberal...P.U.B.E.R.R.A.L. Puberal. (ding)
Randy: Oh sorry. This must be bringing up a lot of stuff for you?
Jason: No it's not.

---

• Sklar Brothers: "Spelling, spelling words on the dance floor. Spelling till you cant even spell no more. Spelling on a Sunday afternoon."

---

• Randy: Who's next to Cameron?
  

Jason: He's intern.
Randy: I thought interns in Washington liked to work under the desk. Folks!!

---

• Sklar Brothers: "Mcnutt!!"

---

• Randy: "McHell Yeah"

---

• Patrick Mcnutt: Can you use it in a sentence please.
  

Randy: Ok cilantro as in seriously dude you've never heard of cilantro.

---

• Jason: "Mcnutt, Mcstalling."

---

• Jason: "Ok he's got this one in the Mcbag."

---

• Cameron: Ladled a cream sauce over the gnocchi.
  

Randy: I did it all for the gnocchi!! The gnocchi!!
Jason: Come on
Randy: So you can take that cookie!!! And stick it up your..!!!
Jason: Alright that's enough.

---

• Cameron: Succedaneum
  

Jason: Cameron you dirty bird.
Sohini Ramachandran: Succedaneum
Randy: Man, when your word is almost a complete sentence, you know your in trouble.

---

• Jason: "Dear lord explain to me why I get this word and Mcnuff gets cilantro. And I want a PlayStation 2 for Christmas. Ahem."

---

• Sohini: Succedaneum. S.
  

Randy: She's got it.
Sohini: C.C.
Jason: She's got it!
Sohini: D
Jason: She's got it!!!
Sohini: A. N. I
Sklars: uuuuh!!!
Randy: No PlayStation for you.

---

• Jason: And Even though things are getting interesting, its hard to pick a clear favorite.
  

Beamy: Hey guys, I have a favorite.
Randy: Beamy
Jason: Beamy! Our favorite Cheap Seats beam. What are you doing?
Beamy: Well you know, just hanging out watching the bee having a little gin.
Randy: That's a little weird.
Beamy: Yeah i guess im off the wagon.
Jason: Ok well who's your favorite in the 95 bee?
Beamy: Well i got alot of money riding on Justin Carroll.
Randy: Wait, you bet on this?
Beamy: Yeah i used to have kind of a bad gambling problem. So I guess I'm off that wagon too. Well see you guys later.
Jason: Ok wow seeing a new side of Beamy here.
Randy: Well lets get back to the action and see if he's right.

---

• Randy: Who's the cutest little speller in the world?
  

Sklars: Gooy! Gooy! Gooy!

---

• Wendy Guey: Y
  Jason: Cos I said so, damn it.

---

• Jason: "Oh!! Piano man went off!!"

---

• Randy: "The Vindicator is a newspaper?"
  

Jason: No, it's Vin Diesel's website. He's really into spelling.

---

• Randy: What! I wouldn't have expect spelling bee contestant among her earlier work.
  

Jason: I heard she beat out Jill Kelly and Kobi Tai during the regionals.

---

• Cameron: The hiemal weather took its total on Vera's old house.
  

Jason: And that's when the gardener showed up.

---

• Jason: "Is he trying to hear Cameron through the microphone."

---

• Randy: Well things are really heating up Justin Carroll is on...
  

Beamy: You know what is is fucking heating up.
Sklars: Whoa!
Jason: Ok
Randy: Beamy
Jason: Relax man
Beamy: Hey what I am relaxed what are you talking about?
Randy: are you drunk?
Beamy: Hey (beep) damn right Im drunk i got 15 grand riding on this thing.
Jason: Alright guys you know what can we loss the beam effect.
Randy: Yeah this is really uncool you don't just show up to work drunk Jon.
Beamy: Whoa who's Jon. My name is Beamy.
Jason: Alright fine Beamy! You obviously have a drinking problem, you very clearer have a gambling problem you need help. I don't know how much more clearly we can spell it out for you.
Beamy: Well maybe i can spell it out for you. S P E..Fuck you.
Randy: Alright
Jason: oh Come on! Cut him off
Beamy: Cut you off
Randy: Get him some coffee.
Beamy: You go coffee
Jason: Alright we'll be back after this.
Beamy: You..I..You be back.
Sklars: We will be back
Randy: Actually
Beamy: Good maybe when you come back you (Beep!)
Jason: Oh come on!
Randy: What?

---

• Jason: "Ow! my face the smiling's killing me. Stop clapping! stop clapping damn you!"

---

• Katie: So what are you going to do now with your winnings and now that your the National Spelling Bee Champion.
  

Jason: I'll probably buy some friends. Kids can be pretty shallow.

Women's Sports (Bass-N-Gal, Boxing, Ann Meyers NBA Tryout) [3.3]

Randy: I told you wide world would cover this nonsense. Next year I'm gonna try out a monkey.

---

Sam Nassi (Pacers owner): I don't know basketball.

Jason: And who would expect you to know about basketball. You're just an NBA franchise owner

Sam Nassi (Pacers owner): When I bought the club I went to the Indianapolis 500

Randy: because I thought the Pacers were a racing team. I'm learning people be patient with me.

Jason: Well the good thing is people in Indiana don't really take their basketball too seriously so you're in good shape there

1977 Superstars [3.11]

Randy: An Austrian Emmy? (He was talking about the Superstars trophy)

Jason: No, it's Schwarzenegger's hood ornament

Randy : Superstars rule number 1: if your best highlights are in black & white, you've got no shot.

Keith Jackson: Another Olympian Guy Drut of France

Randy: At least his highlights are in color.

Keith Jackson: 1976 Celebrity Superstars champion Kevin Dobson

Randy: Who? Where was Telly Savalas?

Jason: auditioning for Cannonball Run.

Keith Jackson: From The Los Angeles Dodgers first baseman Steve Garvey

Jason: He even rounds the bases like a bitch.

Keith Jackson: Pro Football representatives include...

Randy: That Doesn't even look like a star. (He was talking about Dave Casper)

Jason: It looks like a character from Mummenschanz.

Keith Jackson: Quarterback Steve Grogan of the New England Patriots.....

Jason: He's Alan Partridge

Randy: No, He's a Hungover Wayne Gretzky

Keith Jackson: The Houston Oilers dynamic Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, the man with the smooth moves.....

Randy: Did they burst into his room at 2 am to take that picture?

Keith Jackson: And wide receiver Lynn Swann of the Pittsburgh Steelers, the home run receiver.

Randy: Looks like Lynn cut his hair to fit in the star, now that's commitment.

1996 Spelling Bee Part 1 [3.13]

Sklar Brothers: Bee the shit out of this motherfucker!

---

Jason:Now he's just making shit up.

---

Randy: I knew I should have spent more time going over my poisons damn it.

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Randy: Is he on his knees.

Jason: It's Dorf on spelling.

---

Jason: Are there any phonebooks for this kid to stand on.

---

Jason: And next to him are the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Randy: Damn you tight shot!

Randy: Damn paparazzi!

---

Randy: I love you microphone

---

Jason: What did I tell you about wearing shorts?

Randy: No one can see.

Jason: I can.

---

Randy: Man when Jamie Foxx researches a role he really goes all out.

Jason: Georgia!

---

Jason: Alright enough fucking around is it or is it not French.

---

(Making fun of Abbie Dick)

Jason: Think this girl got teased when she was a kid.

Randy: Sure being from Hedgesville and all.

Jason: What's up Hedgehead.

Randy: Hedgehog.

---

Randy: She was probably preoccupied with trying to find a husband so she could take his last name.

Jason: Although if she marries Luther Head and they decide to hyphenate, you got problems.

---

Jason: The voices in his head must be really funny.

---

Rebecca: Che

Jason: ah.

Rebeeca: ve

Jason: oh

Rebecca: lure

Jason: And people are already leaving.

---

Rebecca: C

Jason: whoa.

Rebecca: h.

Jason: ok.

Rebbeca: e.

Jason: yeah.

Rebecca: v.

Rebbeca: e.

Jason: Inside voice Rebecca.

Rebbeca: l

Rebecca: u

Rebecca: r

Rebecca: e, I'm I correct?

Jason: I wanna say no.

---

Jason: Raise the roof bitches.

---

Randy: Where the hell is she going?

Jason: Back to Jupiter.

---

Randy: "You know this guy is kicking himself for not bringing his tripod.

Jason: "Or for wasting four years in film school for this.

---

Randy: What the hell is he doing below the camera line.

Jason: They won't even show it. It's like Elvis on Sullivan.

---

Jason: What do you think imaginary spelling dinosaur.

Randy: Well I think your fucking crazy Rebecca.

---

Jason:Here's an alternate pronunciation. Spell the fu*king word!

---

Jason: Mmm this microphone smells like words.

---

Jason: Promise me microphone that whatever happens you'll still love me and my imaginary dinosaur.

---

Announcer: Will Rebecca Sealfon spell erythema right and move on in the Bee? Will Ron Parker reclaim the show for his own? Will Randy and Jason be out of a job? Will Gina learn to love again? Will there be a season four of Cheap Seats? Find out on season four of Cheap Seats to find out.

Season 4

Evel Knievel [4.4]

Jason: Hey everybody welcome to Cheap Seats.

Randy: What are you doing?

Jason: What am I doing, what are you doing? You look like a star spangled idiot.

Randy: Ah no I look like Evel Knievel and you were suppose to wear the costume too.

Jason: Whoa ok no I never said I was going to wear a costume.

Randy: Earlier today you said we were going to Knievel it up.

Jason: Right, we're going to go out there Knievel it up get our dare on, go wild.

Randy: When I hear someone say Knievel it up I assume that means put on a costume.

Jason: Ok no. I have been Knieveling it up way longer than you have. Ok and if you want to Knievel it up like a master, you're going to have to remember one thing ok. Knieveling it up here, Knieveling it up here, Knieveling it up never here!.

Randy: So what I'm I suppose to do now.

Jason: Your're suppose to be Knieveling it up! God!

---

Jason: Nothing gets a crowd more pumped for Daredevil action than three cars and a truck driving slower than your grandmother..on a jazzy!

---

'Randy: Some call it a performance van.

Jason: We call it Evel's future home.

---

Randy: Why does Evel have a giant magic wand?

Jason: No the question is how come we don't have magic wands?

Randy: I know.

(wands magically appear in their hands)

Sklars: Awesome!!!

(Guy comes into the picture)

Guy: Here's those tapes you wanted

(Randy uses his wand to turn him into a plate of cookies.)

Randy: Sweet!

Jason: No Way!

Randy: Let's see Dandy Don relax a plate of these.

Jason: Hey gimmie a cookie.

Randy: No.

Jason: Give me a cookie.

Randy: No.

Jason: Give me a cookie!

(Randy uses his wand on Jason and turns him into a stuffed animal bar)

Jason: Dude you're a dick.

Randy: You're a dick.

Jason: No you are.

Randy: You are.

Jason: You!

(Jason uses his wand on Randy and turns him into a magic wand)

Randy: Dude you turned me into a magic wand.

Jason: Yeah I did.

Randy: Well which wand am I?

Jason: I don't know!

---

Randy: The handle bars in the back end of a motorcycle?

Jason: Has Evel ever seen a motorcycle?

---

Jason: Uhhh how about you come over here Cosell. I just jumped like ten buses while you sat on your fat as.

---

Randy: Did Evel just say that his back splattered?

Jason:It's your back Evel not a watermelon.

---

Jason: Is he jumping over the stadium.

---

Randy: Doesn't it sound like there's another motorcycle behind him.

Jason: Damn you Fonzie!

---

Jason: All he gets is one dollar. It Broadway Danny Rose he's agent?

---

Randy: 34? I would have said 64.

---

Evel: Well you did what I did you'd be shaking to.

Jason: What, age too quickly.

---

Randy: This woman reminds me of someone.

Jason: Shanda the dancing intern.

Randy: No.

Jason: Dickie Thon?

Randy: Yes, yes thank you that was going to bother me all day.

---

Jason: Shut up nerd.

---

Randy: Such a shame.

Jason: Ah what is.

Randy: Evel, the man was at the peak of his career here and yet he died penniless.

Jason: Uhh he's actually still alive and I'm pretty sure he's got some money.

Randy: Maybe, but he could've had alot more money if he hadn't made that one business decision that was a little too daring.

Jason: Which business decision?

Randy: Knievel's Knishes.

Jason: That's Jewish fast food that doesn't sound very daring.

Randy: He opened seven locations in the Gaza Strip.

Jason: uff.

Randy: Four more in Takiron.

Jason: Wow.

Randy: And his opening one more in Damascus.

Jason: Shut up!

---

Randy: Do you care that Evel once beat a writer with a baseball because he didn't like what he wrote about him.

Jason: Wow, not good to be that guy.

Randy: No.

Jason: Wait a minute should we be worried suddenly i do care.

Randy: Relax Jay, he's dead and penniless now.

Jason: He's not dead Ran.

Randy: Alright, well what are the chances he's actually watching this show.

(Phone Rings)

Jason: Hello, what I'm so sorry.

Randy: Who's that?

Jason: It was mom we forgot to get a birthday card for Gordon.

Randy: Oh my god are we fucked!. Hey Shanda

(Shows Shanda dancing)

---

Randy: What the hell am i doing, what the hell am I doing what the hell am I doing!! This was a mistake!

---

Jason: He's got it, he's got it he's got it!! He's ehhhh. Is that blood?

---

Randy: Usually everything happens so fast in Evel's life.

Jason: Yeah he's got a lot time now to think about what went wrong here.

Randy: Until he crashes into the rocks and dies.

---

Randy: Land in the water. Land in the water.

Jason: Land in the water. Sklars: Doh! Jason: Well I guess he's dead what else is on tv tonight?

---

Jason: Boy you know it's serious when they're telling you his real name.

---

Jason: I mean it wasn't my fault if that's what your saying no sir, I did my job right. I can't help it if he can't ride a dang rocket.

---

Jason: Let's all run in random directions.

---

Jason: He didn't do it you stupid idiot.

---

Jason: Are they making Evel work the camera as well?

---

Jason: Evel may have not nailed that jump but did you know that in 1999 he was inducted into the motorcycle Hall of Fame?

Randy: I didn't even know there was a motorcycle Hall of Fame. Who else is in there?

Jason: Relly Leak, Fonzie, Henry Winkler.

Randy: Whoa whoa whoa isn't that the same guy.

Jason: No Ran. I watched Fonzie. I love Fonzie. Kelly Leak you are no Fonzie!

(Phone rings)

Randy: Hello.

Jason: Who is it?

Randy: uh huh. uh huh. Hold on. It's Kelly Leak.

Jason: What does he want?

Randy: He wants to play me at air hockey. If he wins I gotta go to a movie with him.

Jason: What if you win?

Randy: What if I win? I get the tip of his finger.

Jason: Sweet.

Randy: Your on (beep). I mean that in the best possible way.

---

Randy: Hey everybody welcome back to Cheap Seats. Now the snake river canon jump was a big departure for Evel. It's like when Jordan played for the White Socks or when Shaq did did Kazaam or Blue Chips or tried to rap.

Jason: But just like Jordan coming back to play for the Wizards. Evel eventually got to his bread and butter.

Randy: Yelling at Kwame Brown.

Jason: Yep and jumping buses on a motorcycle.

(Phone Rings)

Jason: Yello.

Randy: Who is it?

Jason: It's Kwame Brown. Oh your mad yeah we don't care because your Kwame Brown Ha!

(Slams the phone down)

Randy: I feel you were too nice to him.

Jason: Really?

Randy:Mmmhmm.

---

Randy: Where's my rabbits foot Where's my rabbit's foot! Where the fuck is my rabbit's foot!

---

Jason: They're making him hold his own mic.

---

Jason: Meatloaf taking time out of his busy fantasy football schedule to record Evel's theme song.

---

Randy: Remember when he jumped over a crying Thomas Hill?

---

Jason: Well that's our show thanks for watching. Wait when did you put that outfit back on?

Randy: During the Cheapies.

Jason: But that was like twenty seconds ago.

Randy: Yeah listen I wanna go back to something you said earlier on the show about Knieveling it up not being here. I totally disagree and I think you'll agree with me in about three seconds.

Jason: Oh yeah why's that?

Randy: Because BANG!

(Randy uses wand on Jason and Jason suddenly is wearing an 80's windbreaker and some fruity pants.)

Jason: Come on!

Randy: Because POW!

(Randy uses wand on Jason again and Jason is now wearing a doctor's clothing.)

Jason: Randy

Randy: Jesus you know what I think I actually got the price tag up on this one. Because Zim.

(Randy now turns Jason into Shanda the dancing intern.)

Randy: No.. shoot what if I just Zooy!!

(Randy now puts Jason in a cop uniform)

Jason: I'am not a cop.

Randy: Knevely!

(Randy now puts Jason in a cookie uniform the one that a guy was wearing from when they were looking for their own mascot)

Jason: Not cool Ran not cool!

Randy: What dude I bought these wands at Costco they were on sale..

Jason: Good I don't care!

Randy: I have like a bunch of batteries like six hundred double A batteries. I'm sorry.

2004 Juggling Champs/Ultimate Frissbee [4.8]

(Dramatic music builds)

Randy: Are you feeling it Jay?

Jason: Oh I'm feeling it...

---

Randy and Jason: Frisbee montage yo!

---

Randy and Jason: (singing)
Frisbee! Now I'm catching the frisbee,
Frisbee! I just threw you the frisbee,
Frisbee! Now I'm spiking the frisbee tonihihite...Frisbee!

1996-1997 High-School Dunk Contests [4.9]

Announcer: (Ron Artest is shown) Here is Ron Artist...Not sure if I'm pronouncing that right.

---

Randy: Don't worry, he's mellow.

See also

• Television shows